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 Post subject: something for everybody
 Post Posted: Mon May 23, 2011 8:45 am 
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Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the judge decides
to give them both 250 hours of community service.

“You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to those poor
addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your

sentence you will return to me with a full report of your work.”

The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return to him at
the end of their sentence.

“How did it go?” the judge asks the first man.

“I managed to get 31 people off drugs,” he replies.

“Well done, and how did you manage that?”

“I drew two circles – one large and one small. I told them the large
circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the small circle
was what their brain would be like after drugs.”

The judge then asks the second man how he did.

“I got 200 people off drugs,” he replies.

“But that’s staggering,” says the judge. “How did you manage that?”

“Well, I drew two pictures – a small circle and a large circle. I showed
them the small circle first and told them that was their arsehole before
going into prison …”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women.. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of
the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the
line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one
man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I
created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient
and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed.
Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Blonde phones her mom, "Hi Mom, it's me."
"Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren't you with your father at the Ace
Hardware ?"
"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone
call."
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."
"What on earth... Why did you do that???"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault......Dad told me to find a "Black and
Decker." Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Liners.....

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him
in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the
channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a crap."

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their
newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit
harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C, "he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from
behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn
him.

Non PC quickies

Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists...... they did
unspeakable things to me................


I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady,
two minutes later she said "will you sod off I'm trying to have a
shit!!".



Brought the missus some crotchless knickers yesterday, It had nothing to
do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her
broomstick..



Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a
seatbelt...........................


Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all
tongue and groove...............


A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it’
s definitely race related ....................



Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8..........................



Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his bollocks. The doc says
"how often do you have sex?" He says "Once or twice a year!" The doc say
"that's not a rash mate, its RUST".



I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency....................

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One
is a retired golfer in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in
her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good
or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun."

"Who wants to try first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the
lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant, and begins to charge
her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her
beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head between her
legs.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem; just get that lion out of
there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Newfoundland shoreline when Bob pulled
out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied with a Newfoundland
accent, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic
lighter 10 inches long.

'Holy shit, man!' exclaimed Bob,taking the huge Bic Lighter in his
hands.

'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie,Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good buddy of your
master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back
into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million
bucks. Shortly,the Newfoundland sky darkens and is filled with the
sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I
asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ralph answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young woman is alone in a railway carriage when a dishevelled lout
walks in, sits opposite her and takes out a packet of peeled prawns to
eat. Belching and farting, he eats his way through the packet and then
throws the empty carton onto the floor.

At this point the young woman gets up, gathers together all the rubbish
and throws it out of the window. She then pulls the communication cord.

“You silly bitch,” he chuckles, “that’ll cost you a £50 fine.”

“Maybe,” replies the lady. “But it’ll cost you 15 years when they smell
your fingers.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy,
"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each breast in your hands
and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'."

Then you hang on bloody tight and try and stay on for 8 seconds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new
location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he
cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half
of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.


A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother, It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose
look too short."
Love,

Grandma
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stop Press.....
1. OSAMA BIN LADEN……….. COMING SOON TO A BEACH NEAR YOU.
2. Osama and his son are dead? First time I can recall the bins being
taken out on a bank holiday.....

3. Whilst celebrating Arsenals victory, it was perhaps a little unwise
of Bin Laden to rush out into his yard shouting come on the GUNNERS !!

4. Just in from Australia.....TOUGH TIMES AHEAD.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Immigration, Mohammed Omar warned Australia that if military action
against Iraq & Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off
Australia's supply of Cab Drivers and if this action does not yield
sufficient results, Telstra Customer Service Reps will be next,
followed by Centrelink Officers, Telemarketers, and finally, Queensland
Doctors.
THIS IS GETTING UGLY!!!!!! CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE..........

5. A farmer in Saskatchewan has successfully grown a field of
vibrators.... Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A simple young man got very drunk one day and was caught short on the
way home so he relieved himself in the local river. At that moment a

policeman came along and shouted

to him. “Stop that immediately, put it away and go home, you drunken
sod.”

The man stuck his dick back inside his trousers and started to laugh.

“What the hell are you laughing at?” demanded the policeman.

“Ha, ha,” replied the man. “I really tricked you this time. I put it
away but I didn’t stop.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the judge.

“Fuck all,” said the defendant.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that,” replied the judge and turning to the
clerk of the court, he asked him what the man had said.

“He said Fuck all,” responded the court official.

“Really?” puzzled the judge. “I could have sworn I saw his lips move.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thats all Folks!!!

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Wolverhampton Wanderers, the Beatles of football!


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Mon May 23, 2011 8:53 am 
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Posts: 11894
Location: Wolverhampton
I'm pinching some of those beauties. :lol:

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Forever in my Heart, Mum. 26/06/58 ~ 16/03/12.


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 10:31 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2004 11:45 pm
Posts: 4019
Location: wallheath on sea
nice one yeander, loving the one liners !!!! :wink:

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