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D'oh a few more chestnuts
http://the-wolf.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=55455
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Author:  yeanderwolf [ Tue Aug 09, 2011 10:42 am ]
Post subject:  D'oh a few more chestnuts

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could
find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the
house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked
him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned
to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her
in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of
trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine
for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew
a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They
danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was
in the furniture business.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What's your occupation?'

'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ' Let's try to rephrase that.'

The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.

'No, that still won't work. Try again.'

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken farmer.

The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a call girl?'

'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'

'Chicken farmer it is.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Victoria Beckham happened to appear. Mrs B took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Mrs Beckham.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Victoria thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in
bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in ecstacy, with a smile on my face, as my girlfriend moved forwards, then backwards ...
forwards, then backwards ...forwards, then backwards ....a bit of grinding, back & forth, in & out
more grinding,her heart pounding faster,forwards, then backwards ....her face starting to flush
the smile spreading across my face. she started to grunt and groan as the grinding got more frantic
then she let out one almighty scream, " I cant park this f***ing car, you do it you smug b*stard ! ! "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT , WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN ; OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE . THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ :

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE .'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL And ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN,YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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